Hi there!
My name is Nicolina and welcome to my blog! Aaahh, that feels so weird to say, haha!
I had this idea to start a blog years ago (probably around 2015/16) but never felt like I had the confidence to really do it. I kept thinking “Why would anyone read my blog?” and “No one is going to find what I have to say that interesting” and so I never went through with it. But in the last few years I have gone through some hard things that broke me down and made me feel worse about myself than I ever have, but when I came out the other side I had learned a lot about myself and my confidence slowly grew. So, this year I sat down and looked at my life and figured that now is the time, the time for me to finally start my blog.
So, a little more about me. I’m from Sweden and have lived most of my life in the small town of Varberg on the west coast. I grew up in a single parent household with my mom and my younger brother. I would say my childhood was mostly a happy one, I was a very social and happy little girl who loved princesses, dancing and wanted to grow up to become either a dolphin trainer or a pop star. I loved being on stage and took every opportunity that I could to perform in front of people.
But just like for everyone else, I had ups and downs and there were definitely speedbumps along the way. For example, since my mom was a single parent and my brother is 3 years younger than me I stepped up and took on a lot of responsibility in order to try to help my mom out as much as I could.
And my father was a part of my life during my earlier years, but more as a playmate than a father. He has issues of his own and was not what I needed him to be, so I no longer have a relationship with him. After my parents’ divorce he moved back to Italy, where he is from (making me half Swedish and half Italian) and we now no longer speak. There is more to that story and maybe I’ll share it some other time.
Anyways, I don’t know if it was the move, the divorce, or simply growing up but I became more and more shy and introverted. Like I said, as a child I loved being the center of attention, a true Aries for sure, but nowadays that is like my worst nightmare. I think this is part of the reason why it has been harder for me to make friends as I got older. I have some great friends that I’m very close to, and don’t get me wrong, I strongly believe that for some people, myself included, it’s better to have a smaller group of people you’re really connected to, rather than having a big group of friends or acquaintances. But I also think on some level I felt like I never really fit in, like I was destined to be somewhere else and experience different things.
I have always had a fascination with going to school in America. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve watched too many American movies and tv-shows, or just because when I was 5 years old I went to Disneyworld in Florida with my family where I got to meet all the princesses, which at the time was my biggest dream, making me equate America with a place where dreams come true, but either way it’s been there for as long as I can remember, this dream of living there. However, if you do an exchange year in high school you have to retake that year once you come back to Sweden and then I wouldn’t have been able to graduate with my friends which I didn’t want to do, so instead I set my sights on college.
I don’t know how common it is to know exactly what you want to do with the rest of your life at the age of 16, but that’s what it was like for me. Due to some struggles within my own family I knew I was interested in helping people, and when I took my first psychology class in high school I knew immediately that this was the right path for me. So, after a gap year of working and traveling I applied to the general psychology program at college in America.
I started out at Santa Barbara City College, mostly because as a Swede I wanted to go to a place where the sun is always shining, haha! I made some great friends in Santa Barbara and had an awesome time, but I also realized that while the town is incredible and I lived right next to the beach, I wanted to take my studies seriously and Santa Barbara is not really the place to do that. So, I decided to transfer to a school in New York instead.
I had wanted to live in New York ever since I went there during my 3-week language trip road tripping through America. I was sitting on the steps at Central Park and saw this amazing black woman walk by. She wore neon orange leggings and a bright purple top, a combination that might look crazy on some people, but she walked with such confidence, her big afro bobbing up and down with each step, and I remember thinking she was so beautiful. This inspired me with the feeling that New York is a place where you can be whoever you want to be and that appealed to me on a deep level.
I attended Borough of Manhattan Community College in Tribeca and lived in student housing in Midtown. I couldn’t believe I was actually living in Manhattan, this was a dream I’d had for so long! And the school was really good, with good professors and even a student mentorship program.
Unfortunately, I had started to feel sick and less like myself for a long while, but I was so focused on going after my dream and getting to New York that I had ignored how I was feeling and not listening to my body. But, because I was feeling more and more unwell I had little energy to do much of anything, which frankly sucked since I was living in one of the coolest cities in the world. I wanted to explore, meet new people and have the time of my life, but my energy levels were sinking fast. I really only had the energy to go to school and then go straight home and do my homework, the rest of my time I spent in bed, utterly exhausted. I had a myriad of other symptoms as well (I might talk about this another time) but I was so determined to not let anything stand in my way, not even my health, that I didn’t put it all together. I didn’t really realize something was seriously wrong until I went home to Sweden for the summer to visit my family.
Another side effect of never having the energy to go out to do anything or meet anyone was that I was basically all alone in this new big city. I met one girl at international student orientation and we hung out a couple of times, but the rest of my time I spent by myself. So not only was I struggling with my physical symptoms, but I was also dealing with extreme loneliness. I talked to my mom about once a week on facetime, but I didn’t want to call her more than that since I didn’t want to worry her. I mean her daughter had already moved across the world all by herself, which I’m sure already makes a parent worry a little bit, so I didn’t want to add to that stress for her. So, I basically suffered in silence a lot of the time.
Back home in Sweden I had arranged a summer job in order to make some extra money, and even though it was only part time I could barely make it work. Finally, my mom convinced me to go see a doctor and they found that I had very, very high levels of cortisol, which in essence is a stress hormone. I was referred to an endocrinologist at the local hospital and this started a veeerry long investigation into my health. The doctor was stumped as to what could be wrong with me and I grew more and more frustrated, angry and sad the longer I went without any answers.
During this time, trying to get answers from doctors who seemed not to care and being stuck at home in Sweden when all I wanted was to get back to America to continue my education, I probably felt worse than I ever have before in my life, both physically and mentally. But I was doing everything I could to try to do my part to get better. I started attending therapy and was lucky enough to find a therapist that I clicked with on the first try. Going to therapy was one of the best things I have ever done! I loved having an outside party to talk to, someone who could give me concrete advice and tools I could use when I felt low or out of control.
It was during these two years when I was home that I developed my social anxiety. I was not seeing anyone, some days I hardly made it out of bed to see my family. Being this isolated made it hard for me, who was already shy, to be in any situation with a lot of people, especially people I don’t know. This is something I still struggle with and it has not been made better by this pandemic we’re all in at the moment. But going to therapy certainly helped and I still use the techniques I learned from my therapist.
Another thing that has helped me immensely was getting my dog. I don’t know if it was because I was just home all the time so I felt like now was the right time or simply because I wanted the company, but I have always wanted a dog, ever since I was a little girl, so I decided to take the jump. And when I want something and set my mind to it, I want it to happen right away. I did a ton of research on the breed that would be best for me and discovered Cavapoos, a mix breed between Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and Poodles, and in February 2018, almost a year after I came back home to Sweden, I went to visit my puppy for the first time. I named her Happy, which was my mom’s suggestion, both because she brings happiness into my life, but also as an affirmation. If you say the word enough times a day (and trust me, I say it soo many times) you will start to feel it, haha!
In 2019 I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism when I finally sought a consultation with a private practitioner after my doctor still had not been able to help me. I was so very fortunate that my mom could help me pay for this as without seeking private help I don’t know how much longer I would have been stuck in the nightmare I was living.
After I was put on a medicine that changed my world I was able to get back to living my life and pursuing my education again. I decided I needed a fresh start as New York had some bad memories attached to it and even though I still love the city I don’t want to live there. I have friends who have lived in or visited Boston and so I decided that this is where I wanted to go. I started attending Bunker Hill Community College where I met some wonderful friends and I was finally able to finish my Associate Degree.
So, that’s pretty much my entire life’s story, haha! But I just wanted to take you through it as a way to both let you get to know me, but also to explain why I’m starting this blog. Every day I live with the anxiety that the experiences I have lived through has created. But I have learned a lot through my life and the things I have gone through, especially in the last few years, and I feel like by sharing my story and my life maybe I can help someone or make someone feel less alone if they are going through similar things as me.
My intention is to write more about my story, go a little more in depth on things that have changed me and shaped me as a person, but also open up the conversation about mental health and create a discussion around things that might be hard to talk about but also things that can help. I am studying psychology so that I can eventually work within a field where I can help people, but I still have a few years before I can become licensed and actually do this, so hopefully this blog can be a way for me to start in a small way. I have also always loved to write so this felt like a natural way for me to express myself.
My hope is to create an online community where everyone feels safe and comfortable to share their experiences. I am certainly not an expert, but I feel like this is a great opportunity for me as well, to learn and grow, and perhaps it might even help me in my future career.
Hopefully I will be able to talk about all the facets of metal health, especially as I get further and further along in my education, but also things that interest me and make me feel good and help with my anxiety, such as different expressions of self-care, creating lasting routines, astrology, books and reading, and many more things! That is why I called my blog “Creating My Happy Life”, because you will be able to tag along as I navigate through my life and try to create my own happiness, through the hard times and bad days we all eventually face.
Anyways, I hope you will keep reading and maybe even leave a comment so I can get to know you as well!
Until next time!
One Response
I think this is a real great blog article.Really thank you!